Confetti stars
by niewypowiedziane
Summary: What if Tony's birthday was the same day as his escape in Afghanistan? There are some things you can never forget, even after so many years, even if you try - and especially if you don't want to try.


**Confetti stars**

Tony's birthday is so much less than Steve has expected; he has read about so many other parties hosted by Tony that he figured striptease, endless beautiful ladies and alcohol almost too expensive to be drunk without feeling guilty for the rest of the month would be a sure thing.

Steve has lived in the same building with Tony for half a year and has been calling the man using the shortened name for almost ten months. Yet he feels like he doesn't know Tony at all, besides when he acts as Iron Man, and that is probably completely true. No one seems to know Tony well enough. Rhodey is the closest, Steve guesses, but Tony defies all definitions and slips out of everyone's grasps.

In the end, there are no guests, not really, just the Avengers, their partners and a few _friends_. Rhodey has organized food-making, producing a few big trays of various sandwiches that should sate the appetites of the superheroes. Pepper has ordered a cake. Clint managed to talk Steve into decorating the living room with some balloons and preparing some shiny confetti that the bots will be so happy to clean up in the morning.

Tony comes on time, cleaned up nicely, and offers everyone smiles and small talk as the almost-family meeting passes. They all eat, talk, laugh, tell stories, but Steve cannot dismiss the fact that Tony doesn't _play _his role well; he is restless and distressed like a young actor during a premiere. When Clint shoots an arrow and breaks makes the confetti fall down, Tony just blinks and freezes, looking utterly lost for a few seconds before he composes himself and fakes a smile.

Dust, glitter, shiny confetti stars.

They are stuck to Tony's lips and under his eyes and to his arms and neck; Steve hasn't realized Tony is that sweaty; he doesn't look anything but perfectly comfortable.

Steve doesn't know what to think about that.

Then they all sing Happy Birthday and Tony grimaces, but there is no telling id he's stifling laughter or tears. He looks torn between those two. Steve is kind of surprised Tony lets himself be exposed like this, it's something he never does. Never.

Rhodey observes Tony with much more tenderness and concern than seems to be necessary, as if he knew something.

After they cut and eat the cake – Tony disappears, strangely, it takes Steve a few long minutes to realize that. JARVIS tells him that Tony is on the roof of the tower, _enjoying_ some relatively fresh air. Instead, Steve finds him shivering despite the warm air. Just as Steve approaches him, Tony puts a few white pills into his mouth and swallows them dry. Steve frowns but he doesn't ask; any words would feel too heavy now, Tony must feel this too because he doesn't say anything either.

'Is something wrong?' Steve asks finally, he doesn't know how much time has passed. Being out on the roof is like stepping into a bent spacetime. It's probably not long, though, as the barely visible stars haven't moved a lot.

'No, Cap. Today is just… not a good day.'

'Not a fan of birthdays nowadays?' Steve jokes weakly, but Tony doesn't smile. Instead, he takes a few deeper breaths that seem to only make him shiver more.

'Not a fan of the date.'

Steve blinks. Tony turns around and doesn't even try to hide the tears in his eyes, although none seems to escape. There is still some glitter on Tony's face, making the dark shadows of his face seem even more pronounced.

'It's a – runaway anniversary,' Tony clarifies.

'I thought you were… found on June eighth?'

'No, that's when I boarded the plane home,' Tony replies quietly, his voice almost transparent. 'I run away on 29th, but I didn't realize it was 29th. Someone I considered a friend died when I was escaping.'

'I am sorry,' Steve offers, even if it means nothing. There has truly been no information anywhere that Tony was found before June 8th. If they knew – but that's what Tony doesn't want, exactly, Steve knows hat much. He doesn't say that he will remember this from now on and keep the dead man in his thoughts, but Tony must be aware of that.

'I am so tired,' Tony offers, but it's quiet and unsure. Steve can hear the exhaustion in the man's voice. It's been some time since Tony has dropped some of his masks and let the others see the truer – never true – him: it's like staring at an ingenious broken toy. '_So_ _tired_. And you know what?' Tony adds, putting his hands into his pockets, as if he was trying to hide the tremors. For a briefest moment Steve wonders about the thing Tony has swallowed – but he knows Tony wouldn't. 'I realized something today. It took me so many years – it sounds like a bad novel.'

'Go on,' Steve encourages. Maybe the words will clarify some things, but that's wishful thinking. Steve has learned as much about Tony: hardly anyone knows something about him for sure.

'I just realized this little simple thing: I am nobody's favorite person.'

'But Tony –' Steve starts protesting. Tony silences him with a hand movement.

'No, Steve. Be realistic. You – you have your girl. Pepper has Happy and they are so great together, they have my full support. Bruce has Betty. Clint has Phil. Natasha has Bucky. Thor has Jane – you all have your own affair to take care of. And Rhodey, because you are going to ask, he is – a brother. It's _different_. And,' Tony adds, laughing shortly, bitterly, 'I am his experiment, just like Iron Man is mine: he keeps trying to make me right. To fix me. That's a Sisyphean task.'

Steve wishes he could tell Tony that he is wrong, that there must be someone, maybe tell him that he is Steve's favorite person, but that would all be lies, they both know it. Tony _hates_ lies. And since he is a bit like a child, favorite person means _a lot_, it implicates so much: a great burden and just a small bit of satisfaction because it all requires absolute trust, cooperation and endless work. It indicates substituting for someone what they can't be themselves.

'Is there –'

'No, no,' Tony cuts in easily, his voice with a sharp edge. 'I have always been just – just this, soldier. I'm managing. _Let it go_.'

Steve respects Tony enough to listen. He stays there for a few moments, a few steps behind Tony, not reacting to the way the man's shoulders are trembling, but all he can do in the end is turn around and slowly walk away leaving Tony his memories, to the warm wind and to the darkness.

* * *

**A/N:** Thank you for reading. I will be very thankful for your feedback!


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